Great opening chapter! It was very unique, loved the old English vibes and your rendering of realistic characters and interpersonal relations. Great job. (I've sent you a DM with my full feedback!)
Okay I’ll check it out later during my class. I’m currently revising the whole novel and plan to update Ch 2.
I was aiming for a combination of Old English and also Scots/Gaelic, I’m really glad you like the interpersonal relations and found the characters realistic I’ve often been criticized about these characters in that regard.
Yeah I liked them. Got a real small community vibe, everybody knowing each other, gossip, backstabbing, hierarchy. I've lived in a few small towns, so certainly in that regard it feels real. But even isolating each character, - for instance Daegan (or is it Daegon, I can't remember), is unpredictable in a very real and full way.
Daegan, and yeah the small community isn’t the most pleasant one I’ve written, but that’s the idea as this community plays a large role in the story. Hehehehehe.
As to isolating every character you just guessed a major part of this story.
Yeah, I got that. We can talk about this later, but I did not expect it to turn the way it did. And that was satisfying. (I expected a much happier, more unified place, lol; not that either way is wrong or bad).
I prefer to write happy united places as seen in SSM & DC stories, but here it is for an important reason that will be discernible in the later chapters.
But sure I don’t mind discussing this stuff and the plot at greater length later. I’ve class soon.
I see you are using an omiscient pov. Few do that these days.
Your dialogue can also be rather formal.
This is an odd question but do Helga’s older sisters have any children? If so why couldn’t one of them inherit. The second eldest seems very motherly and I hope we shall meet her older sister.
The chapter is very long and might put off new readers. Perhaps you could consider splitting it or adding places to stop.
Is this a faux Christian a a Pagan culture, I am confused. Your female characters are very well done. If anything the men can sometimes feel a bit two dimensional. The Druid guy was the one I felt was the most fleshed out, though that might be because I often got his name confused with the MC’s.
I really like how you introduced Cormac though other characters. I am not quite sure what he and Helga have going on but I suspect that, and his true nature, will be revealed in future chapters.
You should also consider creating an index of characters for people to come back to. There are a lot of names and relationships to remember. A world map would also be neat. Presumably these things would happen once you get the indigo go funded.
You suffer from a comom writers problem, one I also sometimes have. It is clear you love these characters and this world and cannot wait to tell everyone about it. The problem is there are a million other characters and worlds to go into. You need to get people invested in yours before going all in on exposition. I was invested in the village life and to an extent the religion of the people, but the discussions about the wider world, especially the High Kings, seemed like gibberish. I am sure these things will be fleshed out in later chapters.
Overall you accomplished a writers’s most important task. I want to hear more from these characters and this world. I would still recommend getting an editor before publishing the final version.
Guys slow down your making me look bad. I can be slow well enough on my own.
Aww thanks J.R. Logan! You’re too kind!
Holy crap, this was a great (if long) intro chapter!
Hahaha oui elle l’etait
When is the next one coming out?
Soon never fear mon ami
Great opening chapter! It was very unique, loved the old English vibes and your rendering of realistic characters and interpersonal relations. Great job. (I've sent you a DM with my full feedback!)
Okay I’ll check it out later during my class. I’m currently revising the whole novel and plan to update Ch 2.
I was aiming for a combination of Old English and also Scots/Gaelic, I’m really glad you like the interpersonal relations and found the characters realistic I’ve often been criticized about these characters in that regard.
Yeah I liked them. Got a real small community vibe, everybody knowing each other, gossip, backstabbing, hierarchy. I've lived in a few small towns, so certainly in that regard it feels real. But even isolating each character, - for instance Daegan (or is it Daegon, I can't remember), is unpredictable in a very real and full way.
Daegan, and yeah the small community isn’t the most pleasant one I’ve written, but that’s the idea as this community plays a large role in the story. Hehehehehe.
As to isolating every character you just guessed a major part of this story.
Yeah, I got that. We can talk about this later, but I did not expect it to turn the way it did. And that was satisfying. (I expected a much happier, more unified place, lol; not that either way is wrong or bad).
I prefer to write happy united places as seen in SSM & DC stories, but here it is for an important reason that will be discernible in the later chapters.
But sure I don’t mind discussing this stuff and the plot at greater length later. I’ve class soon.
I see you are using an omiscient pov. Few do that these days.
Your dialogue can also be rather formal.
This is an odd question but do Helga’s older sisters have any children? If so why couldn’t one of them inherit. The second eldest seems very motherly and I hope we shall meet her older sister.
The chapter is very long and might put off new readers. Perhaps you could consider splitting it or adding places to stop.
Is this a faux Christian a a Pagan culture, I am confused. Your female characters are very well done. If anything the men can sometimes feel a bit two dimensional. The Druid guy was the one I felt was the most fleshed out, though that might be because I often got his name confused with the MC’s.
I really like how you introduced Cormac though other characters. I am not quite sure what he and Helga have going on but I suspect that, and his true nature, will be revealed in future chapters.
You should also consider creating an index of characters for people to come back to. There are a lot of names and relationships to remember. A world map would also be neat. Presumably these things would happen once you get the indigo go funded.
You suffer from a comom writers problem, one I also sometimes have. It is clear you love these characters and this world and cannot wait to tell everyone about it. The problem is there are a million other characters and worlds to go into. You need to get people invested in yours before going all in on exposition. I was invested in the village life and to an extent the religion of the people, but the discussions about the wider world, especially the High Kings, seemed like gibberish. I am sure these things will be fleshed out in later chapters.
Overall you accomplished a writers’s most important task. I want to hear more from these characters and this world. I would still recommend getting an editor before publishing the final version.
All important criticism, will bear your notes in mind, especially about the length and the faux Christian and Pagan, I borrow elements from both.
As to publishing this, the publisher has an editor for it.
But thanks, definitely gonna take down some notes for future revisions. Thanks Prince of Permsia.