The Ultimate Red-Pill Song From Galavant: Manlyology - The Manliest of all the Songs By Dan

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For episode 2 of Galavant, “Joust Friends”, we’ve covered all the songs of an episode… However there is one extra song that was actually recorded, but removed at the last minute, because they wanted Gareth’s first song to be far more impactful. This one is called “Manlyology”, in which Gareth teaches King Richard about how to be a manly man, seeing as he is the manliest character among the main cast. So therefore, he starts with the scene where he brings Richard to his room to give him an idea of a manly man’s bedroom. (Wording it that way sounds wrong.)

This song would lead into the later song “Maybe You’re Not the Worst Thing Ever”, making Richard command Madalena, which she actually becomes a little receptive to, but she loses interest after the song.

But back to “Manlyology”.

[RICHARD]

(spoken)

Whoa! This is amazing! What's that smell?

[GARETH]

Testosterone

[RICHARD]

Mmmm, musky

Here would have been the scene when Richard, Gareth and the Chef enter Gareth’s room. Gareth doesn’t exactly spritz up his room like Richard would, and Richard is commenting on the smell of testosterone.

[GARETH]

If you want your wife to respect you, you have to earn her respect. You need to man up

[RICHARD]

But how?

[GARETH]

It just so happens you're talking to a professor of the art of manhood. Lesson one: Historical background

Gareth is now giving a bit of a history lesson, starting at the beginning, saying that he needs to start at the beginning to figure out what is masculinity. It’s hard to imagine Gareth as someone who is educated in history, but then again, in those times, a personal guard like Gareth would have had some instruction on family history, and proper training, which would require some education on masculine behaviour.

Way back in the ancient ocean

Live a flabby, pitiful thing

It was soft and pale

Neither female or male

Rather like you, my king

Gareth is commenting on how Richard isn’t at all masculine, and that he isn’t a woman, although not directly. It can also be a commentary on men who are lost in life, and don’t know how to be men.

This creature was lacking a backbone

It couldn't stand tall and free

'Til it grew a spine

And a pair like mine

And evolved into well, me

But now we know a bit about Gareth’s history. We may see a bit into Gareth’s background in the series, however we do skirt around it. Gareth is confessing that he wasn’t always the fearless, manly man he became in the series, and probably is commenting on his own adolescence, and that he was a coward at some point, but that he grew up into the Gareth we see today, who serves Richard. Sometimes, you may be scared and avoid your problems, but you need to grow a pair, and confront it, and not be a coward. That’s what Gareth is getting at. He’s also telling Richard that by acting like a manchild, he is avoiding his responsibilities.

Now frankly, this could take you

A good ten million year

Me, I know a shortcut

May I have some volunteers?

[CHEF]

(spoken)

He's looking at me, isn't he?

Gareth isn’t shy about telling Richard what he thinks, and he’s saying that it’s going to be hard to teach Richard how to be a man. (Something that Richard learns in Season 2.) He is also draggin poor Chef in the middle to become an unwilling victim in all of this.

GARETH]

(sung)

Throw back your shoulders

Suck in that gut

This is the first step according to Gareth, and it is about posture, which is important. Having a confident posture can really affect how you behave. There are a lot of men who judge potential son-in-laws by the handshake that is shared, and that you can tell a lot about another man with said handshake. 

Seize the advantage

And kick some butt

Do watcha want

And do it violently

That'sthe secret of manlyology

Now we see a part of the humour. The first part is about telling Richard to take initiative, and not hesitate. But the second part is getting into the more aggressive and primal part of things, insisting on a violent answer, and saying that he should do something and damn the consequences.

(spoken)

Any questions?

[RICHARD]

(spoken)

Will there be a quiz?

[GARETH]

(spoken)

No, moving on. Lesson two: Theory and Application

This is just a funny question that pretty much says that he doesn’t care about questions. And asking Gareth if there’ll be a written test is just silly.

Now, manhood's pretty simple

It's a display of relative might

Men give commands and eat with their hands

Now here’s a rather truthful situation with men. Being a doormat makes it hard to respect such a guy. Gareth is saying that men take charge, and are the ones in charge. Eating with their hands… Not always.

[RICHARD]

Leave the toilet seat up?

[GARETH]

Damn right

Does a man ever order a spritzer?

[RICHARD]

No!

[GARETH]

Does a man wear sandals with socks?

[RICHARD]

No?

Gareth is testing Richard, and instructing him on a traditional view of men. Sure, the first line is anachronistic, but it just sets up a pet peeve of many women around, and we all know that Gareth’s comically toxic when it comes to men at times, similar to how Madalena can be comically toxic when it comes to women. Then there’s the opinion on what kind of alcoholic beverage a man wants. This does show that Gareth doesn’t always approve of Richard’s preferred drinks, and works to correct this.Then we have a fashion question that really can be confusing to some, but sandals and socks is more often something boys would do, but it’s also a comment on how boys eventually have to figure out what men are.

[GARETH]

Does he own a cat?

[RICHARD]

Yes!

[GARETH]

Sure about that?

[RICHARD]

Um…

Here is a topic about preferred pets when it comes to men. The common stereotype is that men prefer dogs as pets, which there is truth to that, and we see what men value in general, which is a form of companionship and loyalty. Cats are commonly seen as either mousers or women’s pets. This is why Gareth comments on Richard’s reply.

[GARETH]

Does he think about miniature rocks?

[RICHARD]

Pass!

[GARETH]

Does a man mind blood in his mustache?

[RICHARD]

What?

Okay, that first part I don’t get, so someone can tell me what it means when Gareth comments about rocks. The second part is about casual violence, and how men embrace action like that.

[GARETH]

Does he care if he smells like arse?

[RICHARD]

Whose?

[GARETH]

Does he pick his nose?

[RICHARD]

Eww

Okay Gareth, a bit of hygiene is in order. I’m with Richard on this, because I don’t want to smell like arse, and picking his nose is not something that I want to share with everyone. But I suppose it could be about how men would deal with outside judgements

[GARETH]

Bros before hoes?

[RICHARD]

Duh!

[GARETH]

Close enough

You pass

[RICHARD]

By George, I think I've got it!

A funny interaction, but I can’t argue with this part. The fact that Richard agrees just makes it even funnier.

[GARETH]

Well, we'll get you up to speed

[RICHARD]

Maybe a private lesson?

[CHEF]

Guess I volunteer

[GARETH]

No need

This segues into the next part, bringing forth the final lesson in the song, which is an interesting one.

Kick into action

And crack that whip

No hesitation and just go do what you want, without second guessing. This is actually really good advice from Gareth.

Crush all emotion

Okay, this might be a little dangerous and self-destructive, when one crushes all emotions. We also enter the comically toxic part of manliness of Gareth’s opinion on manhood. I mean, what kind of man wouldn’t cry at Goofy and Max’s heart to heart at the end of “A Goofy Movie”... That is just worthy of manly tears.

And one last tip

Don't miss your yearly colonoscopy

That's the secret of manlyology

Perhaps another anachronistic line, but actually not a bad piece of advice, when it comes to taking care of one’s health, cause if you don’t care for yourself, how are you expected to properly be a man about things. I mean, remember how Galavant was when Isabella found him?

[RICHARD]

(spoken)

Oh Gareth! I can't thank you enough! Tomorrow night I shall dine with Madelena. I will show her all I've learned. Come here, you!

[GARETH]

(spoken)

Oi! I've only hugged one man in my life. It was the day my father died. I squeezed that rotten bastard to death

[RICHARD]

(spoken)

Right. We'll hug later. Good talk

[GARETH]

(spoken)

Yeah

This is the conclusion of the song, and we have Richard’s decisive choice, followed by an action that makes one question if he truly paid attention to the lesson, of course played up for laughs.

I must ask that you all consider upgrading your subscription to the yearly one, it is only 8$, and helps us go a long way towards publishing Brotherhood of the Gemstone. Thanks, now on with the essay. Or if you’re feeling truly generous check out our Crowdfund.