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Michael's avatar

I have it queued up on Audible.. its a long one!

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Jay Logan's avatar

I critique a lot of chapters for others so I automatically look for certain things to comment on. This paragraph stood out to me with things to recommend adjusting. Seven 'was/were' words making it very passive and the last sentence is very long at 49 words. The rest of the writing also has plenty of passivity.

“Alfred was fourteen years old, and tall like Tom. Tom was a head higher than most men, and Alfred was only a couple of inches less, and still growing. They looked alike, too: both had light-brown hair and greenish eyes with brown flecks. People said they were a handsome pair. The main difference between them was that Tom had a curly brown beard, whereas Alfred had only a fine blond fluff. The hair on Alfred’s head had been that colour once, Tom remembered fondly. Now that Alfred was becoming a man, Tom wished he would take a more intelligent interest in his work, for he had a lot to learn if he was to be a mason like his father; but so far Alfred remained bored and baffled by the principles of building.”

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