Galavant: She'll be Mine - The Perfect Villain Love Song by Dan

And the funniest song of the early Episodes

After Madalena chose riches over Galavant, she decides she wants sex over Richard. She can never be satisfied with what she has. (In more than one ways) She has started cheating on Richard, much to his ignorance. Gareth always lampshades it throughout the first season, and he isn’t as keen to listen to the situation.

Although in her defense, he can come across as rather effeminate, and he is trying to respect her space, as much as a 12th century tyrant could. But now he sees her as a nag always referencing her ex, he still wants to bed her. (Must be Stokholm at this point. So how does he deal with the issue now? 

Break into song of course. In fact, he sings the song “She’ll be Mine”.

Now let’s take a look at his whining. (He did choose this fate.)

King Richard: Oh, Gareth, I try so hard to please her. I invade a kingdom for a jewel, I respect her vow of chastity, and yet, every day I have to hear it over and over again.

Wow. a vow of chastity. He’s more into her than she is into him. Women, am I right?

Galavant

Galavant

Blah blah blah blah Galavant

As we can see, this is when he gets irritated and annoyed over her constant demands and nagging. He is fed up with Galavant being in their marriage, as an absent ménage-à-trois. 

I want her, need her, crave her, yes, it's true

Uh, dude? She’s seeing everyone but you and Galavant… And maybe Gareth, but he doesn’t care about her. She isn’t his type, and finds her to be a bit of a b… but Richard really needs to start being a tyrant with her if he wants her. But I’d be concerned about what I’d catch.

But she is not the only thing I desperately want to do

Dude… That sounds… nevermind. Getting out of the gutter, he’s about to vent about what’s frustrating him in the marriage, and that’s our hero Galavant. She also needs to get over the fact that she chose money over Galavant. Both members of the couple need to understand that there are consequences to their actions.

I want to shoot him with a crossbow

Wow. Snipping him with a crossbow can be really dangerous. But wouldn’t he need Gareth to hold the crossbow for him?

I want to stab him in the eye

Now that is more feasible for Richard. But he might still need the force from Gareth to be able to do that. But yeah, we see here he is wanting to mutilate Galavant’s body.

I want to liberate his head from his neck

This sounds rather morbid, but it’s something far more kingly to do to someone he considers an enemy and a traitor. Also, a lover of a wife.

And then punt the bloody wreck sky high

I can get wanting to use someone you hate’s head as a soccer ball. But seriously, he’s got issues, and there is frustration in the marriage, and he seems to be the one putting more in the relationship than she is. But seriously, wow. I said those kids before said one of the more sociopathic things said in the series, but this is morbidly specific.

At this point, he humorously drops a woman to the ground. He is an evil king after all.

I want to hurl him out a window

Here is a setup from a Looney Toons short…

And shove explosives where the sun...don't...shine

And then this would be the explosion you hear outside. But yikes. That is really sadistic. And from his point of view… I have a hard time blaming him. For her to reference her ex all the time, I’d want to do some about the other guy. But this would ensure she wouldn’t want to go to an ex. 

And I’m sure every guy has just cringed at this line.

Want to skewer him with swords and slowly twist 'em

Okay, now we are seriously getting gory and specific. He wants Galavant to suffer over this. But at this point, if we take everything he just said in order, at this point Galavant is dead. He’s been shot with a crossbow, had his eye stabbed out, decapitated, his body tossed high up in the air, he’s been tossed out a window, had his lower half blown up, and now his body mutilated by a sword… What could be worse?

All around his reproductive system

Ah. That could be worse. A mangled mess of Galavant’s body. Richard has issues. But I’m sure every guy who caught his wife with a lover would want to do this to the lover. Hey, maybe it should be standard practice? Just a thought.

Won't that be divine?

Well, that’s disturbing. That’s quite a fetish right there. Just kidding. This is saying that it’ll be a relief when Galavant is no longer an issue in his life.

Then she'll be mine.

Dude, she doesn’t want you. She wants Galavant, and is looking into other guys for him. And failing.

Gareth: EVERYBODY SING!!

When Richard dances with Gareth, he is rather embarrassed by it, and he demands everyone join in to sing.

All: Ahhh...

And then you'll do it ev'ry evening

King Richard: Sweet God at last!

And the knights step on the table, and dance on tables. They are expressing they are annoyed by Madalena and her demands. So they are trying to be wingmen for Richard, and Richard is eager to actually get Madalena to bed. (After she’s been with every man in 3 kingdoms.)

All: In ev'ry room on ev'ry floor!

King Richard: 'Till I can't do it anymore!

Talk about blue balls. Seems like he needs to let loose a lot more than with his mistress, Rosie Palmer.

Gareth: And with no Galavant distracting your bride

When the ex is constantly being referenced, it’s not a relationship, so having Galavant out of the picture, he could focus on other things with his wife.

King Richard: We could start a genocidal war!

Wow, that escalated quickly. When did it go from wanting to nail Madalena to wiping out entire cultures and nations? Well, everyone does need a hobby.

All: Yeah, we're gonna go to war

 Wait, what?

He’s got his priorities straight. A good war never hurts anyone. Except the people tossed on the front lines.

King Richard: I'll get back to all my hobbies

That’s perfectly healthy. However, I’d suggest he gets to his hobbies now. Dealing with running a nation, and a cheating, nagging wife, is a tough job. And the fact that he is running his kingdom says a lot. Sorta.

Like raising taxes and tormenting the poor

All: Bless those poor!

Wow. We have here an arrogant tyrannical ruler… Then again, with the way Madalena spends things, the coffers are probably always empty. He should have probably left her to Galavant, and gotten him a better match.

King Richard: No more "Galavant is just complete perfection!"

"Gal would never lose his"....temper!

Now he’s mocking his wife’s nagging and comparing him to her ex… That she dumped for Richard… He should have known what he was getting into, marrying a golddigger. And I’m sure every man who’s dated a woman at some point has dealt with this kind of nagging, and mocked her behind her back.

Won't that be divine?

From the lyrics of the song alone, we can tell Richard is frustrated with Madalena, and doesn’t know how to convince her to come to his bedchambers. And the thought of her ex being dead would probably release some of the issues with her, but it probably wouldn’t stop anyways. She’s just lucky Richard is such a sap.

And she'll be mine.

All: La la la la!

King Richard: Just mine, all mine!

All: La la la la!

King Richard: Mine, all mine, all mine!

This last verse isn’t as important, although he’s sounding a lot like Radcliffe from Pocahontas. 

Well, that was ripping.

Glad he got it out of his system. This could have been a Henry II moment, that someone just went and killed Galavant, but he got it out of his system before  going back to work. And in a rather catchy tune.

This is a fun tune, and it is the only song in the first episode that doesn’t fit into the Galavant song “Galavant” and all its reprises. 

This is the problem with cheating Golddiggers. They always nag, they are entitled, they set up double standards… Maybe this song should be an instruction manual for adultery. 

Oh, and here we have a villain motive: To kill the hero, and woo the b… princess that’s married to him.


Edit: Just a note, that when I say “Rosie Palmer”, It’s a slang term for servicing himself with his hand. It’s noting that the guy is alone, and can only take care of himself, and catch it in his palm. I call it his mistress in a tongue in cheek form, saying he can only achieve a relationship with his hand.